One more day…

Ooof. Almost here. There. The first preview of Laughing Boy is tomorrow. Updates about production progress and the sharing of gems of film and music magic projections continue. A family whatsapp jibber ujabber earlier sparked a playlist of Connor’s favourite songs for when audience members take their seats. Another tumble into joyful memories. The bus trip from Oxford tomorrow afternoon will include Connor’s favourite sarnies; cheese and pickle and sandwich spread [don’t judge]. Among the audience will be Connor’s babysitter Izzy, and two of his teaching assistants Sue and Jude, as well as family, friends and campaigners. Funny exchanges with the theatre box office as Penny Horner cheerfully juggles our chaotic ticket sales, returns and more. The #JusticeforLB quilt will be on display at St James’s, Piccadilly for the next five weeks.

I still blink in awe at the insights this gig offers. It seems like the (cosy?) 4 weeks in the rehearsal room has a ritual ‘ending’ (last Saturday) when a van picks up traces/props and moves the team to the theatre for the final few days of rehearsals. The set designer, video creative, composer and music designer move in with tech gear and spend 12 hour days working, with the cast in out in out, costumes on and shake it all about, to a final dress rehearsal tomorrow afternoon. Wincingly sharp timelines seem to be calmly absorbed by everyone.

Work. Expertise, absorption, creativity. Commitment.

Photo of the creative team sitting at the back of the theatre, laptops and a jumble of wires.

Media coverage has continued with thoughtful contributions from John Harris in the Guardian and Victoria McDonald on Channel 4 News. Re-watching the Sloven director being carefully questioned by Victoria McDonald in a news clip from the end of Connor’s inquest was quite something. Nearly nine years on it offers brutal clarity around the absurdity and ignorance of those involved who should have known better and done better.

This coverage led to several people getting in touch. People who have experienced ‘similar’ failings, old friends, acquaintances and colleagues, names and faces from the distant past before life took a turn. People involved in the campaign. A warm wash of well wishes. [Thank you.]

The play is, as Steve Unwin has consistently said, political. It highlights wider systemic failings that should be the making of scandal and action. Over and over again. Following on from The Lonely Londoners, the play will, through its writing, direction, design and execution make audiences (and those involved in the production) take notice, think and question. As we all should.

Right now though, I’m thinking about this…

A week to go and so much more…

The first play preview night is a week today. Not been back to the rehearsal room for practical reasons, so I’ve been absorbing rehearsal reports from stage manager, Daisy Francis-Bryden, updates from Steve Unwin and messages from the cast/creative team (language/terms are now well bedded in.)

No props originally, there are now mobile phones. Daisy shared a photo of this development; ‘I hope this brings you joy the way it did me.’ [It did.]

And a bus. Discussed in many a rehearsal report. The size, colour, tone, finish. Where it will be on stage. (On the floor, no shelf needed.)

Alfie shared this photo earlier.

Just love.

Last night, Jermyn Street Theatre shared an eight page visual story info document to help people find the theatre, have some idea of the layout and other important stuff.

A document that demonstrates more thought and care than Connor received from many health and social care professionals. In a work meeting earlier, we puzzled over the why (how) of this. Why (how) is this level of thought, sense and attention so often absent, and yet clearly doable in this space? [In a week in which George Julian is reporting the inquests of Marcus Hanlin and Fern Foster, and Dawn Cavanagh and allies organised a #StolenLives protest outside the Senedd, Cardiff.]

Matt Powell, video designer and Holly Kahn, composer and music designer have created a piece of brilliance packed into 75 seconds of film capturing #107DaysOfAction. An intermezzo. I watch it and rewatch it, wondering how this magic is possible, how the hell we pulled it off, and what an extraordinary cast this play draws upon. Literally hundreds of people.

There’s a section about the play with pieces by Saba Salman, Ramandeep Kaur, Steve Unwin, George and me in the latest edition of Byline Times. And other media stuff brewing. Oh, and a book of the script is in preparation. A playtext.

I’m quietly confident it will be a smasher of a play. Setting aside the extraordinary brilliance, commitment and experience of the cast/creative team, I know in practical terms Jermyn Street team thoughtfulness has already helped people. There’s been a shuffling of tickets and attendance behind the scenes. Becca has her (funeral) clipboard back out to organise a bus from Oxford and a large chunk of those in the play will be in the audience on that opening night.

It is really quite something.

Laughing Boy: the countdown

Approaching the end of Week 3 of rehearsals. The first (preview) night is two weeks today. It feels surreal writing these words. Enormous, unfamiliar, extraordinary, sad.

Documenting random stuff is probably easier than trying to make sense of it.

The script. A whole new world of different folders/formats. How do you physically hold the myriad pages of scribbled over text that will dominate your working life for the next few weeks or months? Ring binders, folio type holders, free style and held together pretty much with a ring tag. Script pages were the glue the two days I was in the rehearsal room in Week 1. My copy was held together with the same metal slider gizmo my dad used to make our homemade childhood holiday scrapbooks (pale grey textured soft card cover, a mix of plain and lined paper with dividers for each day). My over zealous page seeking in the script editing sessions soon dented the flat slide mechanism and I tumbled back into a holiday cottage in the Yorkshire Dales, carefully detailing in giant letters what I’d eaten/done that day.

Scampi And Chips. Ice cream. Sweets. Bed.

Work on the script is an exemplar in collaboration. Everyone in the room involved in poring over a bumpy line, thinking about meaning, language, context and how it may be understood by the audience. Is it even necessary? Cut.

Beautifully forensic scrutiny.

Associate Director Ash Gupta

The people. It’s hard to describe the atmosphere of the Rehearsal Room. There’s a cast of seven actors, the director, two associate directors, video, set and music designers, stage manager and more. The first morning there I answered a series of cheerful and curious questions with laborious answers that I’d forgotten were all in the script. I literally recounted the script to a room of quiet respectfulness.

Then there was a read through of the script. Sitting on chairs and acting, not reading. Eh? Where did that come from? My ignorance was hitting the high ceiling of the room, trying to bounce into the Lion King rehearsal next door while I sat tight. And listened.

It’s off the scale of weird to watch your life being played by a group of people you’ve just met. That they are such a likeable, sensitive, committed, thoughtful and laugh out loud funny bunch was something else. Connor palpably mattered in that room.

The next day. Owen and Tom came along. They had plans to graze record shops after dipping into the rehearsal for a couple of hours. Mid afternoon, after more script revisions, a full read through of the script and lunch, they were also cheerfully and curiously questioned about their childhood, Connor, and what happened. The cast sat around on chairs, laying or sitting on the floor while Owen and Tom chatted about funny and joyous memories, moments. And more. The quiet respectfulness I’d experienced the day before was energised with laughter, life and stories. Stories that sat outside of the script. Life from a sibling perspective.

Now. I get daily rehearsal reports I’m going to miss. Glimpses of the magic of play production and development, hints of the brilliance, the labour, the love and the care. The opening night is too enormous to think about. The production is a joy.

Further info and tickets https://www.jermynstreettheatre.co.uk/show/laughing-boy/

https://www.theatreroyal.org.uk/events/laughing-boy/

Laughing Boy: the production

26.3.24

So, rehearsals started yesterday…   

It’s a massive deal. I bounce between sadness, incredulity and awe (I mean what the actual fuck?) and a strange, unformed somethingness I can’t pin down. Maybe there are no words. 

What would Connor say? 

Mum, mum… is there a play, mum? Is it in London, mum?  Does it have buses in it, mum? 

Yes. And yes, it does. And so much more… 

Stephen Unwin and the wider team are deeply committed to the production in ways that are moving and reassuring. He’s also welcomed repeated comment on the script which is comforting. It feels like a collective endeavour, as it should be.

I’ve loved gaining insights into stage production, the mechanics, expertise and magic. Contributions from the casting director, set designer, video designer, sound composer, timings, processes including the daily rehearsal call document which lays out the timetable and attendees. The Rehearsal Room is a space I never considered… And there’s a daily show report.

Who knew? 

#JusticeforLB magic has reawakened from a light slumber/cat nap.  The chaotic and brilliant archive of campaign artwork, screen-grabbed Tweets and outlandish ‘comms’ is being curated and shared by George Julian. Tickets are being bought and other support offered by J4LB campaigners who stepped up a decade ago.  

I spoke with John Harris from the Guardian. We talked about similarities between his son, Connor and our experiences of services. Keep an eye out, I said, when he described the odd turbulent time.  

An eye out for what?  

Not losing sense.  

We didn’t bring Connor home from the unit because we were waiting for The Multi-Disciplinary Team meeting. An ‘important’ meeting with people we naively thought central to Connor’s future in terms of support. It was finally arranged on July 8. Four days after Connor died. This now seems absurd. Though we didn’t know the half of it back then.

The play with its breathtaking pace, humour and searing satire captures the unthinkable, the then, now and in between, with love at the centre.

As it should be.

Tickets are available from Jermyn Street Theatre and Theatre Royal Bath.

A beautiful boy, a book, a play and an ink pad

Connor died. He should be alive.

The book

The book I wrote about what happened was launched at Doughty Street Chambers six years ago with a kick ass panel and audience. I wore a red scarfy thing knitted by the mum of one of Connor’s teaching assistants. My Life My Choice members including their President, Michael Edwards, sat in the front row and cheerfully chipped in.

Writing the book was an exercise in witnessing. I’d written this blog for years. Writing joy, love, laughter, critique, commentary (and devastation). The book was a way of trying to make sense of the responses to Connor’s death, documenting the brutality of the processes and bullshit (or worse) families face when someone dies in state ‘care’. It was written before some of these processes ended [they never end].

An ink pad

I was uncomfortable at the thought of being asked to sign copies (what do you write?) and made a stamp to avoid this. The tiny ink pad still works. I didn’t stamp or sign many copies in the end. Rich, Rosie, Will, Owen, Tom and George Julian had complimentary copies. I sent a copy to Michael’s sister down Dorset way. He persuaded the publisher to produce a talking book version at the launch.

The play

Steve Unwin began to talk about a play before lockdown. He loved the book and started work to bring it to the stage. We met in Oxford. There was further discussion, draft scripts, potential news, updates and undates. I approached this in the same way I dealt with the book. As a kind of interested bystander with a stamp and an ink pad. Vaguely surprised when the play was mentioned, passing on updates to family and friends with caveats. This may not happen.

A few months ago Steve shared the most recent version of the script (a corker) and news the play, Laughing Boy, is on next spring at Jermyn Street Theatre followed by a week at Bath. Wow. A meeting was held with Stella Powell-Jones and David Doyle (Artistic Director and Executive Producer) in a London pub to talk about the important stuff.

How to get this right. That was the discussion. With Thai curry.

Earlier this week, the copy and image was shared for comment. The reassurance I felt after the meeting was cemented. The image is inspired by a #JusticeforLB quilt patch and the text spot on.

The announcement was made on Thursday lunchtime. The Lonely Londoners in Feb/March followed by Laughing Boy in April/May. I was at a writing retreat at Gladstone’s Library distracted by the beauty of the mushrooms as details bounced around social media.

So many messages and posts. A buzz of action, excitement and anticipation despite everything else going on. Would it go up North? Highlight of next year! My Life My Choice are bussing to Bath. Brilliant said Norman Lamb. Becca got her clipboard back out to organise the life raft trip to London. Booked. Booked. Booked.

Someone prosaically tweeted, ‘Lots of time to do something remarkable’.

It’s already remarkable. A beautiful boy dismissed in life matters. His quirkiness, love of life and buses, humour, irreverence and courage to stick two fingers up at adversity count.

I’m setting aside my stamp and ink pad. There will be tears. So many tears, alongside laughter, bafflement and kick ass brilliance.

Thank you Steve Unwin.

Tickets are available here with relaxed and captioned performances.

Hauntings


Memories of going to Manchester with Rich and Tom in October the year Connor died. Visiting Rosie doing her maths degree. Who looked after Chunky Stan and Bess? Coming across a Goldfrapp installation at the Lowry Gallery. A song named Ulla. A mate who joyfully snaps at my heels while offering so much love. And a beautiful goddaughter.

A performance of Fiddler on the Roof was also on that day. Paul Michael Glaser, my first love (with Doyle from The Professionals who I thought was Blake in Blake’s 7). We were under the same roof as Starsky.

Tom spent a night with Rosie at her student home. We were in a budget hotel that made the most of every space including multi coloured fairy lights around the toilet area. Failing on cellophane wrapped shite for breakfast. A big name was playing at the Manchester Arena that night. Billy Joel. Another childhood figure. So many excited punters, a year or so before Ariana.

Four years later. Yep, four years… The Oxford Road GMC hearing into whether Connor’s irresponsible consultant was fit to practise. [Obviously not.] Rosie turned up at the drop of a strangled phone call the night before to sit with Rich and Charlotte Haworth Hird who represented us at Connor’s inquest in the public section. She came out of friendship.

I shared details of the Kimpton Hotel yesterday with attendees of a workshop we’re holding today and tomorrow to pore over the findings of a research project exploring the experiences of making a referral to a fitness to practise hearing. The Witness to Harm project. The GMC put us up at the Kimpton the night before I gave evidence. Only to be taken apart by a barrister who had lost any sense of human and a panel that looked the other way. A posh hotel for a subsequent breakdown.

Ten years on and the slow wheels keep turning.

Sorry

Work.  

Family, friends, dog.

Threads. Life. 

Work.

A beautiful young man killed in an NHS hospital trust 10 years ago. A boy firmly placed in an outside ‘those who count’ zone across his lifetime.

A loose and disparate collective of largely white, entitled NHS/local authority execs and middle management meithering. Buck passing and blame with unchallenged self-importance, posturing, pettiness. Drawing on a well worn box of dirty tricks.

Connor got into the bath that morning knowing he was going to visit the Oxford Bus Company. A visit arranged by his teaching assistants come pallbearers.

I don’t know what he thought that morning. There’s no detail about what happened. No records. No ‘evidence’. No illicit notes taken home or bedroom photos with large soft toys.

The verdict in the Letby case has generated shock, revulsion. Horror. Devastated parents/families left to deal with the unspeakable. The unthinkable. Their futures immediately woven into a fabric of horror and disbelief.

And a similar grotesque stack of obfuscation and performative (non) action from layers of (some familiar) senior NHS and regulatory body figures.

‘We need to stop appointing crap people to NHS boards.’

‘We must change the toxic culture.’

We need to blah blah blah.

Billybullshite spouters who will continue to spout after the eventual publication of the possibly statutory public inquiry. Words that must slice through the families who didn’t know their beautiful babies were murdered. Before they could do any knowing. They, themselves catapulted into this space of dishonesty, self preservation, bullying and cruelty.

‘It’s like the Wild West’, said the wonderful Richard West who is working on our Witness to Harm project looking at the experiences of families who experience regulatory processes.

There is incredulity that the NHS famed for never saying sorry despite having a ‘Say sorry’ policy apologised to Letby and her parents. And gruelling familiarity as the then CEO wandered away from Chester to pick up other senior roles a week after her arrest. The rewards for mediocrity, ignorance and unwavering devotion just one red flag among many in this deeply flawed institution.

That never changes.

Work.

Family, friends, dog.

Threads. Life.

Repeat. 

10 years, 10 points, 10 minutes

Last night LDN Charity organised an event ‘Spotlight on the abuse of people with learning disabilities’ at the London Canal Museum. The panel, chaired by Simon Jarrett, consisted of Alexis Quinn, George Julian, Amanda Topps and me. Contributions from the audience were as powerful as the panel presentations and the sense of anger and commitment to change in the packed room was palpable. This is what I said:

Last week was the 10-year anniversary of our son Connor’s death in an NHS run ATU. He drowned in the bath while staff did an online Tesco order in the office next door. Ten years has allowed time to think about what unfolded and why, and in doing so different aspects have become more prominent. 

Given we each have 10 minutes to talk it seemed appropriate to produce 10 points of reflection about what happened to Connor (and others) and to think about what the lack of any real shift in the use of ATUs means.  

ONE. Connor was a beautiful, much loved, funny, talented and wonderfully complicated young man. He loved deeply and contributed so much to our family (and wider) that we are left with a chasm in our lives and hearts so full of love I can sometimes barely breathe.  

TWO. The day we had Connor admitted to the assessment and treatment unit (ATU) a mile or so from where we lived, I didn’t know Winterbourne View was an ATU. I didn’t know what an ATU was. I thought we were taking Connor to a specialist NHS hospital unit that would be staffed by uniformed and identifiable health professionals for a few weeks to understand why he had become so distressed and unpredictable. Connor had loved visiting his grandad at the JR hospital just weeks earlier. The locum medic who came to our home to assess Connor beforehand even said there would be a ward round that evening.  

I’m not sure what this not knowing, this ignorance means still. There was so much we didn’t know then. And so much people don’t know now.  

THREE. Connor was admitted on a Tuesday evening. The responsible clinician whose office was in a building across the car park from the unit, didn’t bother to walk across and see him the next day. Wednesday. Or on the Thursday or Friday. On Saturday, she went off on holiday for two weeks. Again, we had no idea. There was no ward round, no crisis specialist intervention, no urgency, information, interest. No nothing. Just our boy catapulted from his family home into a space that defies words. 

And this was apparently fine. 

FOUR. We met the lead paramedic who responded to the call that hot, sunny July morning before we moved from Oxford in May 2021. He was a friend of a friend of one of our children and asked to meet us. He said the ambulance overshot the turn for the unit that morning, There was no one outside directing it in. When they got to the unit, the door was locked and someone was painting the outside windows. He was bewildered by this lack of urgency and the absence of information from those present. He said his team had nothing to work with, nothing to base their treatment decisions on. The unit staff were literally clueless and said nothing. There is no pretence of healthcare, death care or any care in these places.  

And this is apparently fine. 

FIVE. After 2 years of health and local authority records being disclosed and 4 pre-inquest hearings Connor’s inquest was unexpectedly halted in the second week in October 2015. The responsible clinician’s barrister produced evidence that a patient, Henry, had died in the same bath a few years earlier. Photographs of the bathroom taken after Henry’s death were shared with us. Some of the same staff were on duty the day Henry died. The lack of disclosing Henry’s death for over two years is extraordinary. A second psychiatrist, present the day Connor died, looked at Henry and told the coroner by phone he died of natural causes. There was no postmortem and no inquest.  

When Connor’s inquest ended the coroner asked for Henry’s death to be investigated and the police took witness accounts from those present. The student nurse who was with Henry said he was told to leave the bathroom by professional X before the ambulance arrived. Professional X said he arrived at the unit after the ambulance. The coroner said it was long ago and there were bound to be contradictions. He dismissed Henry’s death again. 

And this is apparently fine. 

SIX. A death review commissioned by NHS England on our request was conducted by an international consultancy firm Mazars led by Marie Ann Bruce. It found only 2 out of 327 unexpected deaths of people with learning disabilities in the NHS Trust between 2011-2015 were investigated. Providing unassailable evidence you can punt human rights, regulatory procedures and processes off the nearest bridge when people with learning disabilities are involved. 

SEVEN. We don’t know how many people have died in assessment and treatment units. A Dispatches film by Alison Millar ‘Under Lock and Key’ shown in 2017 included the story of Bill who died in 2011. His parents then in their 70s were given what they called ‘blood money’ after an inquest found he died as an outcome of neglect.  

An early morning round table meeting was organised at Channel 4 the morning after the documentary was aired. An expectation that there would be an outcry Winterbourne View styley. No one really cared. We were coasting downwards by then, slowly and carefully unmaking scandals. I sat next to Bill’s parents who were pretty quiet. I wonder what they were thinking of this early morning shindig in central London that turned to nothing. Other than further evidence of bridge punting. 

EIGHT. There is no doubt that these places deprive people of their freedoms and rights. This deprivation manifests in myriad ways from being restrained, over medicated or secluded to being denied the basic opportunities to walk in nature, experience the wind on your face or have a drink with a mate.  Abuse, disrespect and devaluing profoundly erode wellbeing. We know this. Wiseman and Watson (2021) have written about the complex forms of violence experienced by people with learning disabilities and how these are critical to understanding the significant inequalities in health and wellbeing experienced by this group. And yet the numbers of those incarcerated in these places remain the same. 

NINE. The unmaking of this scandal, the greedy and self-interested actors that have jostled to drink at the fountain of self-serving opportunities and nosh on the plates of croissant crumbs, to line their pockets, seize media opportunities is grotesque. The stuffing of laminated photos of dead loved ones into the hands of bereaved and battered families… There has been no auditing of the money spent, contracts doshed out, time wasted, or individuals rewarded for no success.

We know these places are trauma generating and yet a paper published just this year found that just under 50% of 44 admissions and discharges from two ATUS from February 2019 to March 2022 were delayed. The most prevalent reasons for discharge delays were identification of a new placement, recruitment of care staff and building work (Gibson et al 2023). Two young men close to me have been in and out of ATUs over the past decade. One is currently back in an ATU while the other has been waiting years for the local authority to sort out a home for him. Both families have been the driving force at extraordinary emotional, financial and physical cost to try to get their boys a life worth living. 

This is apparently fine. 

TEN. I was struck by Simon Jarrett mentioning at a conference just yesterday that the exclusion of people with learning disabilities during the industrial revolution when enormous institutions were built was arbitrary, as many people could have worked in factories. There is a direct and remarkably enduring line from then to now where we have people formally incarcerated in ATUs, or in versions of ATUs dressed up as supported living or residential homes where people don’t even know their neighbours and their neighbours don’t know them.

All our lives are impoverished by the exclusion of a proportion of the population, and the way in which we, as a society, are failing people is something we should all take responsibility for. 

None of what we are talking about this evening is fine. None of it. Stop pretending it apparently is. 

Thank you. 

Labour, caring and baby sweetness

Babies of Rosie’s childhood friends are due. An anticipatory space rehearsed first, second, third hand. Labour. The stuff of fear, joy, anticipation, dread, sometimes devastation, pain, fear, joy. And happiness

I absorb updates, crochet. There’s always crochet.

Babies were a feature at the recent disability studies conference in Rekyavik. An unexpected and positive addition alongside the currently small number of self-advocates and family carers.

Sadness and such joy. New life, impossible sweetness, smells and the gentle warmth of the softness of the softest skin. 

I feel sad at how passively and comprehensively we were ejected from the baby manual/mainstream baby gig back in the day. An ignorance that led to us tumbling into a black hole of fear and bewilderment after our GP, lab technicians and others decided a sample of Connor’s blood was indicative of a problem that curtailed his right to be considered human. 

I walked him in his pushchair from the GP surgery across the park to the hospital that day to drop off the sample I’d pushed for. I didn’t know this was a first task in a role I was acquiring without realising. A role characterised by staunch advocacy and activism, contradiction, ambiguity, invisibility, blame and a consistent lack of anything outside of family life resembling the word ‘care’.

Connor was pronounced dead at the same hospital sixteen years later. I pitched up in a taxi from town that day. With Caroline, our administrator who had a daughter in her 50s with learning disabilities. Another carer.

Those sixteen years had led to a savviness of sorts, of finding safe spaces. A made up (fuck you) manual, family, bunch of mates and likeminded allies of teaching assistants, teachers, occasional social and healthcare professionals.

I wish now I’d said ‘Don’t fucking diss my beautiful boy’ and swiped away the doubters without a backwards look. We had a lifetime of joy, love and laughter despite the bleak terrain.

I think about our children and their partners. None of them met Connor. Jack almost did, house sharing with Rosie as students in Manchester before they got together. One of Rosie’s oldest mates Molly is expecting a baby any day with her partner she met at the same house in Manchester. H, born three weeks before Rosie and another lifelong friend had a baby today, hours before her younger sister M got married.

M and Connor pledged to marry if they were both single at 30.

New lives, joy and utter, utter sweetness. With the ever present, largely contained, sadness.

Nine years ago tomorrow

Nine years ago tomorrow. Eight versions of dealing with the day your child dies an unexpected and preventable death almost done now. I’m no longer flattened three, five, eight, twelve weeks before this day. Which is something. I was always baffled how Connor’s death day eclipsed his birthday.

I cook. That’s a constant. Cook and cry. I still can’t think about it though. That day. I just can’t. Or the day before. Nine years ago today.

This week I started to worry about churning the same static photo-based memories. About memories weakening. I notice his Shrek toy has been nibbled by moths. His clothes and other treasures so carefully packed away nine years ago look diminished, dated. Out of time. Once Lynx drenched t-shirts smell musty almost.

I think about our neighbour, Norah. In her 90s when we moved to our old house over twenty years ago. The first time I met her she told me about about her grandson who was 13 when he died. Picking his photo from a panoply of family photos on a side table to share and talk about. A school photo, cheeky face, uniform, promise, potential, life. I didn’t know how to think about or respond to what Norah told me. Then.

She was decades ahead of nine years. And still talking about him.

A mate mentions the closeness between Rosie, Will, Owen and Tom. And their partners. About the intensity of their love. Before and after Connor died. I look at photos. Including some from the lost day in London. A banger of a day in unexpected ways.

And breathe again.